having one of those days.
don't feel like updating everything.
life is a lot different than it was in may.
i live in cali.
i have no friends.
i miss home.
and my friends at home.
law school is hard.
so hard.
i need a life coach.
k thanks.

i can not believe the things that are happening.
tc has turned out to be the most horrible person i could have ever met.
he has done the most horrible thing anyone could ever do to me, and he has no qualms about it.
he could care less.
he actually told me "Die then goodbye."
how does that happen?
when we spent all of last weekend together and it was wonderful?
i am done with people that are going to treat me like shit.
i am an amazing person, and anyone that doesn't agree with that is of no use to me.
i am doing something with my life.
i am a college graduate, and i am going to law school.
i don't need someone that works as a janitor at a factory four days a week for minimum wage and at a restaurant as a busboy on the weekends.
i don't need someone that has no education.
i don't need someone that can't go an hour without smoking weed.
i don't need someone that is doing nothing with their life.
one day you will see the great things i will do and you will regret this.
i try not to care about the superficial aspects of a person, which leads me to people like you.
and i do all i can to show that i like you for you, and that other stuff doesn't matter.
but it's going to start to matter.
you have changed me for life, in more than one way.
i will never be the same person in a relationship.
i will be selfish, like you.
and i will spend the rest of my life worried about the other thing you did.
you are the most cruel person i have ever met.
i have no idea how you can live with yourself.
because i can barely live with myself for letting these things happen to me.
i wish i could have you out of my life forever, but i can't.
you have cursed me for life with both your presence and this.
who are you?
are you proud?
does it make you happy knowing that i spend my nights crying.
that i can't eat.
that all i do is throw up?
congratulations.
you have become the worst person to have entered my life, and that is saying something.
isn't it kg?
lil jb?
big jb?
em?
tg?
etc.
you have fulfilled everything you promised you wouldn't.
thank you.

today has been a bad day.
i need things to be different.
someone change life.
please let me get into law school somewhere far away.
i just need a reason to say good bye.



and i try not to worry, but you've got me terrified. it's like you're in some kind of hurry to say goodbye. say goodbye, say goodbye.

is it bad that i get my kicks off of seeing stupid girls get upset over things i do?
yes probably.
but i like it.
:)
most of all i like thinking that all the mean statuses are directed towards me.
it just adds to my bitchy persona.
ohhh i love life.

2 papers and 6 finals till i'm a college graduate.
yeah.
college graduate.
what do you do again?
that's what i thoughttttt.

laken comes to visit tomorrow.
we are going to be getting reallll shitty.

bad news: my ovaries are all sorts of fucked up.
karma?
maybe.
but i'm ok with it.

i'm done with drama.
i'm done with being used.
i'm done with being stalked.
i'm going to be happy.
i'm going to be a college graduate in less than three weeks.
what are you going to be?
nothing.
what is he going to be?
nothing.
in ten years he will realize he missed out on something good.
and that makes me the happiest of all.

worked everything out with tc.
we're in for the long haul.
and i can't wait.
we are good for one another.
he calms me down.
i get him motivated.
life is scary.
relationships are scary.
but we're going to see what happens.
till then.
i'm off the market.
<3

turns out.
this isn't a free country.
i can't say what i want.
i can't let my mind be free.
express my feelings.
seriously.
wtf.
leave me alone.

i write that post yesterday.
and hours later tc ends it all between us.
wow.
i am seriously that girl.
that is disgusting.
he has no reason, so that makes it even worse.
i pick the winners don't i?
no car, lives with his grandparents, minimum wage job, not in school.
just kinda on pause.
you'd think someone like that would want to hold on to someone as great as me.
and damn it.
i am great.
and fuckers are gonna need to realize this shit.
i'm an attractive, intelligent, fun person.
i'm no fucking giselle.
but jesus.
i'm not that bad.
i go to school.
i work.
i live on my own.
i have a car.
i take care of myself.
i'm going to law school.
i'm going to be successful.
what more can i give to a person?
i give my all only to get nothing in return.
i'm so over it.
i'm getting as far away from here as possible.
as soon as possible.
fml.

that is the number of days until i can proudly say i am a college graduate.
how time flies.
i can remember being a senior in high school counting down the days till i graduated.
and now here i am waiting to be a college graduate, and adult.
so much has happened in my life since i last updated this, it's crazy.
let's start with december.
everything was fine, still hanging out with the old jb every once in a blue moon, enjoying life, still obsessed with the young jb, of course.
my sister breaks up with her boyfriend right before november.
we are best friends again, it's great.
she comes out a lot to hang out with my friends and i.
i make plans for my b-day.
kk, steph, and i all go buy outfits, pretty much the same, we're gonna look hot.
it snows horribly on my b-day, very few people show up, whatever.
lil jb never texts me happy birthday, i'm pissed.
after the filling station go drop my friend/his roommate off.
i'm wasted.
go in his room and literally beat the shit out of him for not texting me.
bad idea.
we fight, we aren't talking anymore, but clearly i still have feelings for him.
next day everyone is going to his place after family stuff (it's christmas eve).
take steph, bc i'm a good sister like that.
bad idea.
she gets wasted.
flirts with everyone.
and i mean everyone.
lil jb, his brother, some 50 year old guy, just everyone.
i'm pissed but i'm not going to ruin christmas.
day after christmas.
this is where it all started.
tell her she was drunk and flirting with him and it hurt my feelings, she freaks out.
tons of screaming, she is a horrible person.
we are no longer best friends.
i come back to my apt that night.
and refuse to come back.
new years eve, she's with lil jb.
and there we go.
i knew it all along.
we're just friends, nothing more, blah.
i know what's going on.
i hate my sister.
with every part of my body.
i asked her not to do this.
she still did.
i hate him, how disgusting?
this whole thing has taken a huge toll on my life.
it has affected me in so many ways it's terrifying.
i cut myself off entirely from my entire family until recently.
and i still hate both him and my sister.
how do people do these things to people they care about?
january is an emotional roller coaster for me and i remember very little of it honestly.
most of my days were spent crying or screaming at someone.
but then.
finally.
something good is going to happen.
i've been spending a lot of time in rockford with my girls from work, they bring out the best in me and i love them so much.
we're out at cousins in early february.
and there i meet tc.
oh this boy.
it's possible that we are currently dating.
but also possible we are not.
i have no clue what is going through his head.
we hang out a lot everything is great.
then middle of march he says we shouldn't hang out like we have been.
he still has feelings for his ex.
whatttt????
um ok.
so i'm done.
then a few days later he starts texting me again, he still wants to talk.
ok wtf??
mind you the whole time i'm still talking to big jb.
he's got some sort of control on me, it's disturbing.
but it seems he only wants to hang out when he wants to get some, took me a while to learn that.
god i'm an idiot.
so anyway.
a week after tc ends things, he starts them back up again.
and we have been moving right along ever since.
hanging out pretty much all weekend every weekend.
but the problem is, during the week, we barely talk.
and that is not how i roll.
i have no idea what is going on with us.
and it's even worse when he likes to call me his gf while we're out, but no other time.
and on top of this all i have to try and focus on school, getting into law school, and work.
i am broke.
oh so broke.
my life is just on fast forward and i need it to slowwwwwwwww down.
so then i've got tc, who is semi-constant in my life.
big jb, who i can't let go of.
he just became a dad too, and the baby is adorable.
i'm so happy for him, but still mad at the same time.
things are just really hard.
and then here comes the bartender.
oh my lordie, what a friggin' hottie.
this guy is a bartender at a restaurant in dekalb, he's 32, gorgeous, and hilarious.
i've met him a few times before, but recently andrew, german, and i have been going there for martinis every thursday.
the first time, i got ridiculous, so ridiculous.
but there was lots of flirting and chemistry between us from what i remember, ha.
i had the great idea of giving him my number, andrew loved it too and egged me on.
howww embarassing.
andrew and german force me to go the next week.
i make them go early and make sure he knows how drunk i was.
i get there, he comes from behind the bar, gives me a huge hug, and a kiss on the cheek.
i'm in heaven, haha.
have a great night, i don't get wasted, so as not to make a fool of myself once again.
get ready to head out, get my check, and there it is.
his number.
wonderfulll.
i text him to tell him i loved the one drink he made me.
and we text on and off all weekend.
it was nice.
but not as nice as being with tc.
i have a horrible feeling there is something i am missing.
i really think he is still talking to his ex.
and more than just random texting that i have with big jb and the bartender.
they have a history.
a BIG history, that i can not compete with.
and i think that is why i still talk to other people, but if he were to just say the word.
i would stop.
he's who i want right now.
he makes me happy.
he's a good guy.
but here's the other problem.
i'm moving.
and moving soon.
like 123 days soon.
so what's the point?
why get something going that will have to end?
idk.
i'm so stressed.
i needed to put that all out there though.
again, no one reads this, but i feel better, so that's all that matters.
haha.
well i am off to do some homework i guess.
wish me luck.
in love and life.
:)

i couldn't last without facebook and myspace.
that is disgusting.
i am on that stupid crap way too much, but i seriously can't help it.

accept my apology now.
this won't make you happy.
this won't make anything better.
but i had to.
i'm sorry.
i wish you could know what you mean to me.

you know that feeling when you finally realize something is true, something you've been trying to deny for so long, that awful, painful feeling.
i got that feeling today.
i was one of the first people to know that it was going to happen.
but i just hoped it wasn't real, that it wouldn't happen.
it's happening, and there is nothing i can do about it.
i feel like i'm losing him.
but how can i lose him, when i never had him to begin with.
i started thinking today, and i began to wonder if we ever really had anything, or if i've been making it all up in my head, because i would probably do that.
in my head, he's this amazing guy who is just unsure and confused.
in my head, he cares about me, but just has a lot going on and doesn't know what to do with the given situation.
in my head, he doesn't want anything to do with her, but has no choice.
in my head, he wants to do the right thing and he doesn't want to hurt me.
but it could just be that.
in my head.
because when i look at it from the outside or talk about it with friends it is none of that.
he is a mean person.
he has lead me on, he has hurt me, he has used me.
i'm his back up plan, or his quick ego boost for the day.
he knows how much i care about him and uses it to his advantage.
he's playing games with me.
he doesn't care how much i'm hurting.
but that's what other people think.
and when have i ever been one to listen to other people?
never.
i hate myself.
i can't talk to him.
i can't be myself around him.
i'm insecure, but when it comes to him, i am nothing, and i have no idea why.
i'm not that girl.
i'm a strong woman.
i'm intelligent.
i deserve to be loved.
i deserve to be treated well.
i should be able to talk to him about things.
what is wrong with me?
i'm falling apart, over this?
this isn't like me?
is it...that 'l' word?
i have no idea.
if it is it's me for him.
and maybe that's just lust.
it isn't mutual.
not now at least.
and maybe not ever.
and that is honestly fine.
i just wish i could know.
i just want to know if i should hold on or if i should move on.
either way i'm not strong enough for either at the moment.
i just need a little help from him.
anything.

love of mine.
someday you will die.
but i'll be close behind.
i'll follow you into the dark.

want to get myself back in again.
the soft dive of oblivion.
i want to taste the salt of your skin.

it seems our day keeps falling on a leap year.
so many high points on this last leg.
i can't wait to recount them.
it seems like nothing's happened.
until I've shared them with you.

this is the moment that you know.
that you told her that you loved her but you don't.
you touch her skin and then you think.
that she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me.
yeah, she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me.

holding my breath walking at night with you.
i get to hear your voice again.
if this is a dream, maybe you'll stay with me.
stay with me, please stay with me.

don't you see, don't you see, that the charade is over?
and all the best deceptions and clever cover story awards go to you.
so kiss me hard cause this will be the last time that i let you.

thought i was dreaming.
my heart stopped beating.
but i’ve got this feeling.
that i was put here for you.
i’ve got a secret.
and you won’t believe it.
but i’ve got this feeling.
that I was put here for you.

i see the timeline of your whole life.
i admit that theres no more than a scratch i left behind.
but there’s a point you can’t swim away from.
and i know you feel, the world let you go.

how do i get closer to you.
when you keep it all on mute.
how do i know the right way to love you?

hey thanks.
thanks for that summer.
its cold where youre going.
i hope that youre hearts always warm.
i gave you the best.
i gave you the best that i had.
passed on the letters.
and passed on the best that i had.

there's no blame for how our love did slowly fade.
and now that it's gone it's like it wasn't there at all.
and here i rest where disappointment and regret collide.
lying awake at night.

how i wish you could see the potential.
the potential of you and me.
it's like a book elegantly bound.
but in a language that you can't read just yet.
you got to spend some time, love.
you got to spend some time with me.
and i know that you'll find love.
i will possess your heart.

i feel funny right now.
i just had andrew change my passwords for facebook and myspace so i won't obsess over it so much.
i keep tabs on you know who through it.
only because he doesn't tell me anything on his own.
i can't put up with it anymore.
he comes back into my life like he has a reason or a purpose.
only to do nothing.
what is going on?
i'm stressed and not focused.
hopefully this will help.
i need a good pick me up.
any ideas?

maybe i'll be better at this since i have no other distractions anymore, ha.

it's quite clear that my life is a soap opera.
there is no such thing as normal or life without drama for me.
quick recap of my love life.
single forever.
obsessed with br from freshman year till nb.
nb.
ohh nb.
i may have loved the kid.
but realllllllllly?
what a loser.
no job, no car, no license, no nothing, i did everything for that kid.
and he STILL cheated on me.
over that.
br again, i'm an idiot.
over that.
then there is kg.
liked each other forever, he's in the airforce, decide we want to be together, things are great.
go to england.
f.
cheats on me too.
over that.
date some guys nothing too serious, having fun being single.
then december 07 meet jb, the young one.
this kid.
jesus f'ing christ.
going to drive me crazy
the best and worst days of my life have been with this kid.
undoubtedly absolutely in love with this kid.
things were great, then we're just friends, then maybe more, then not at all, then we're not friends.
move on cassie, move on!!
try.
then may 08 meet the other jb, the old one.
the other loser of my life.
broke ass.
loses his car.
asshole.
ridiculous.
sleeps with some ho.
knocks her up.
f that.
back to the other jb, the young one.
never getting over him i realize.
still try.
august, meet jjt.
GORGEOUS!
connection, asks for my number, super.
wait.
he has a gf.
wtf.
over that.
and still can't get over the young jb.
i'm freaking out.
literally.
school is sooo hard.
i want to focus, but i want to be happy.
i'm trying to hard and i know it.
but i can't do it anymore.
someone f'ing change the channel!

i do everything i can.
i finally realize, it's over, move on.
i do, successfully, to what i thought was going to be something great.
three months.
my world is upside down again.
i have no idea what i'm going to do.
i hate having to wait.
i hate not having any control.
i can do nothing, i just have to wait and see what happens.
please don't do this to me.
i know i can handle it, i know we can do it, i just don't want to, as selfish as that sounds, it's true, i just don't want my life to be any harder.
i can't get approved for a loan for school.
i have no money.
i'm moving.
we're going to be farther apart.
he doesn't have a car right now.
if this is true, then he's going to have no money either.
i'm so confused.
i'm freaking out.
i'm so sad.
such a hot mess.
i just don't want to hurt anymore.
please.
i'll do anything, please.

so i was thinking.
i have links to this journal on both my facebook and myspace.
and one of the subjects of many of my posts recently made a myspace and is now my friend.
so miss tiff tells me that i should take the link out of my profile bc otherwise he is going to see.
well that was about a month ago.
and i've decided no one reads this.
it's almost sad really.
i could be crying out for someone or something, and clearly no one will ever know.
i mean it's more for me anyway, a way to vent, which will be coming soon.
but it's interesting that no one reads this.
hmm.
so on to my venting.
it has come to my attention that the only way my parents will like you is if your name starts with an 'S'.
for instance 'S'tephanie.
also, 'S'ean.
there are probably more, but those are the two that matter.
i'm not really sure what happened, but one day, nothing i did mattered anymore, and the only thing that mattered was those S's.
my house has a perfect little family.
mom, dad, daughter and daughters spectacular boyfriend.
ohh and then there is that one girl.
the one that we kinda forgot about, oops, oh well, she's used to it.
my family is a fucking joke.
i'm so mad it sickens me.
the worst part is that if you asked anyone i knew.
they would tell you how much i love my mom.
i really do, some might wonder why.
and i don't really know.
because in her eyes i don't matter.
nothing i do will get her attention.
and now my dad is a part of this whole thing.
my mom has always been obsessed with my sister, nothing new, but for my dad to go along with it.
i'm really alone on this.
no one talks to me here anymore.
i've been home since seven.
i've been spoken to two times.
"there's food if you're hungry" and "the clothes in the washer aren't done yet"
and inside i'm freaking out.
i have to take my lsat monday, i've been studying but i've been doing really bad on the practice questions.
i'm hanging out with this new guy, and it seems to be going well, our schedules just really conflict and i'm ridiculously insecure, so that doesn't help.
and my family doesn't even know anything about him, and it's not like i have hid it from them.
they just don't want to listen.
i tried to talk about him, bring it up, nope, let's talk about sean.
wtf.
and work sucks.
i hate it.
so i need to get a new job.
somehow miraculously get a 160+ on my lsat.
get through summer school.
move out.
get done with niu.
go to law school.
then maybe someone will care.
till then.
i've got kayley.
i really love her.
i hope she doesn't go to asu.
:-/

it becomes the topic of discussion amongst other people.
for example "you'll never believe what happened to cassie, it sucks so bad, but seriously it's kinda funny."
what?!
i know they mean no harm, but that is just proof that my life is a serious joke.
things that happen to me do not happen to normal people.
i mean i'm sure a lot of the things that have happened to me have happened to other people, but you will never find someone who has had as many of these ridiculous things happen to them as have happened to me.
one week.
a lot can happen in one week.
for instance.
i can decide i'm moving on from the little one.
start to enjoy life, go out be with friends, be carefree.
then on thursday i meet someone, he's pretty cool.
kayley and i are out at the bars with martin and lane, and we meet these two guys.
things go well, we go back to my place and drink a little more.
we hang out all night, it's good.
go visit him at work the next day, to prove i wouldn't sleep all day.
see him that night through some ridiculous way.
says he will be out later, he comes out.
we hang out all night again.
it goes really well.
we decide we're going to hang out later this week.
texts me saturday.
texts me sunday.
things are going really well.
i can't believe it.
we're going to hang out wednesday.
text him monday, it goes well.
text him last night.
not so well.
it seems 'the powers at be have decided we can not hang out'.
i was connected to his job about three years ago, when he did not work there, and the head honchos think that we shouldn't be hanging out.
basically they told him don't hang out with her or you are fired.
what?!?!?!
come on!
things like this don't happen to people, just me.
we're both pretty bummed, more me i imagine, only because it felt nice for things to be going good.
we're going to try and be friends, we will see how that goes.
i'm just so upset, i can't believe that this is happening.
and to make things worse.
yesterday the young one and i had a chat.
he 'hasn't forgotten about me'.
he's been busy, as soon as he moves things will be different.
blah blah.
i don't even know right now.
i just want to scream.
and cry.
i hate my life.

tomorrow is the anniversary of the virginia tech shooting.
i've been reading articles, looking at pictures, getting teary-eyed, just thinking, remembering.
all of those people and the people involved in the shooting here at niu.
their lives were just taken.
and i can almost guarantee, half of them, were better people than i am.
why did i deserve to live and any of them deserve to die?
what about all of the bad people in the world, why do they get to live?
i can say that i have a new outlook on life due to all of these events, but what does that matter when no one else around me does.
the person i care about most, has no idea.
he has not been a part of any of these tragedies, so i guess i can't blame him, but still, i have and he knows it.
i don't understand how he can't realize how short life is and that we can't take the times we have with the people we care about for granted.
but i guess maybe he doesn't.
but his selfishness is just too much for me to handle.
it is himself that he is thinking about.
he hasn't seen me.
he hasn't gotten a phone call or text from me.
i haven't gone to see him.
what about me?
i've been going crazy waiting to hear from him, and when i finally do, it's me who should have been calling him.
he doesn't do it on purpose, so don't anyone think anything bad about him.
he just doesn't know how to work this all out.
he does care, try and tell me he doesn't.
he shows it differently and handle it differently than most, which is hard.
i don't really know what this is all about.
i'm sad.
i miss him so much.
i haven't seen him in over two weeks and it's making me physically sick.

the control he has over me is unbelievable, even to myself.
i've never cared so much about someone that i shouldn't.
about someone that will never care about me the same.
about someone that will never understand what any of this means.

i don't know what to do.

here's to the nights we felt alive.
here's to the tears you knew you'd cry.
here's to goodbye, tomorrow's gonna come to soon.

11:00p

you take the breath right out of me
you left a hole where my heart should be
you got to fight just to make it through
cause i will be the death of you


-'cassie. what's going on here? where have you been? we haven't talked in three weeks? why haven't you called me?'
+'yeah i know. i don't know, why haven't you called me?'
-'the phone works both ways you know.'
+'yes, i know, so why haven't you called me?'
-'heard you've been busy.'
+'ohh, really? what have i been busy with?'
-'heard you have a new bf.'
+'yeah....no.'
-'just what i heard.'
(blah blah blah, pro bmxing, blah blah blah)
-'well i'll let you get back to studying maybe sometime you can call me or something or maybe we could hang out again.'
+'yeah ok, if you invite me over.'
-'you can come over whenever you want.'
+'you know i won't do that, you have to invite me over.'
-'you're gay, but i'll ttyl. bye'
+'bye'


12:00a

You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.


-'cassie. what are you doing?'
+'still studying.'
-'good. soo do you think later this week we could go on our dinner date that i owe you?'
+'umm, yeah probably.'
-'ok good. when can you go?'
+'tuesday or thursday.'
-'ok, well we're taking the neon.'
+'alright.'
-'well maybe you should text me tomorrow.'
+'ok..'
-'so yeah, dinner date this week.'
+'alright..'
-'but really, text me tomorrow.'
+'k.'
-'good night.'
+'night.'


and the memories and feelings come flooding back.
i hate that you have so much power over me.

four more years of school, and the money it takes to get through those four years.

there's a thunderstorm outside.
it's soothing yet unnerving at the same time, contradicting i know.
in the past four months i have managed to literally remove my fingernail.
my life has been so strange and out of the ordinary i have somehow managed to bite it off.
without even knowing.
but now the distraction is gone.
and the pain is coming through, my finger has become useless.
strangely symbolic to what my heart is going through.
my life got good just days after christmas, he became a permanent part of my life.
daily conversations.
and seeing him almost as much.
in the first month we spent almost every night together.
six days in a row, and it seemed like it was normal.
my life got bad twelve days ago.
he has gone from my life since then, i have not seen him since then.
have not spoken to him in six days.
i'm in shock.
i'm mad.
but all at the same time.
i'm relieved.
i don't care.
it makes moving easier.
focusing on school, easier.
but it's hard.
because i still miss him.
i'm lonely and depressed.
i need a good pick me up.
but i've got nothing.
i made a mix, all songs in someway about him.

before he cheats for my anger.
boy named sue for the movie we never finished.
breath for how i feel and our concert.
crash into me for what he does to me.
diary of jane for the grilled cheese and our concert.
here's to the nights for the memories of our time together.
home for the kissing and our concert.
i miss you because i truly do.
i walk the line for the movie and for what he means.
jesus christ for how he doesn't realize.
let you down for what i feel i've done and our concert.
bleeding love for what he does to me.
life ain't always beautiful because it isn't, but he made it so.
inside out because my heart is in this state exactly.
never too late because no matter what i'll still be here.
our song because we wouldn't have a song, it would be the memories.
picture to burn because he's pissed me off so much, and he does have a stupid truck.
piece of me for bitches that stuck their noses in places they didn't need to be.
teardrops on my guitar because he will never understand.
think twice for the bitch that answered his phone and for the other one that was in his bed.

anything i do will remind me of him.
how friggin' cliche.
whatever it's true.

i'm getting over it.
it's just hard.
and right now, i have no one's help, it makes it harder.

to see you when i wake up, is a gift, i didn't think could be real.



but i'm glad it was, even if only for a moment.

seriously though, this whole post will make me sound like the spawn of satan.
but i need to say this, ha.
i'm not anything special, i'm not like a ten, if anything i'm like a five, whatever it's cool.
but seriously i've got like level ones and twos in all of my classes, i've begun to wonder if niu really has any attractive people here.
so obviously in my classes i've got all these not so attractive people around me, and class gets boring, so i try to strike up conversations with people.
i'm a social person, i need to talk, ha.
somehow, EVERY SINGLE not so attractive person in EVERY SINGLE one of my classes is:
a-in a relationship.
b-engaged.
c-married.
and mind you these people are all between the ages of 18 and 22.
and somehow, EVERY SINGLE conversation i start up, wheter it be about the rain, the snow, prof. gelvin's strange sound he makes constantly, prof. pamantal's excitement about philosophy, prof. burchfield's love of the color black, prof. goar's hatred for all people and society, prof. bah's inability to speak correct english, prof. king's speedy gonzalez approach to teaching, ANYTHING.
it all comes down to "my (boyfriend, girlfriend, fiance, husband, wife) said BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH".
wait....what??
i'm confused.
what does this have to do with anything?
oh ok i get it.
you just want me to know that you have someone, even if you do know you're not that sexy.
ok......good for you....i don't care...
i really don't know, it's quite strange, and i seriously think it's a phenomena.
yes i told you i would sound like the spawn of satan, but whatever, it was just really bothering me.
today is my day of classes where i get it the most, so i'm off to listen to people talk about their lovers with a total look of disinterest and they will still talk about them, so ridiculous.



class from 9:30 to 4:45.
small chance tony may be coming tonight.
i would absolutely love it!
more to come later today when i'm bored!



i'm rocking the lj lately, ohhhh yeaaah!

i'm sad.
in just two days my entire outlook on life has changed.
is that even possible?
i found out the other day that i could graduate from college in december if i really wanted to, and start law school in january of 09.
talk about scary.
but i don't think i'm going to, bc that would mean giving up my double major and settling for a major and a minor so i'm gonna just wait and graduate in may of 09.
still scary.
i think i might be one of the first people of my grade to actually earn their BA.
scarier yet, i need to take my lsat in june and start applying to law school immediately after i get my score back.
was looking at the practice one last night though, didn't look too bad.
regardless, my life seems like it is on fast forward.
either december 2011 or may 2012 and i will be a lawyer at just 24 years old.
my youth is gone, and along with it the ease of life.
it makes me sad and wish i could have done so many things different.
last night i watched crazy/beautiful.
i was basically crying throughout the whole thing, ridiculous.
but it was strange, i felt like i was that girl, but i just never had the person to straighten me out, i had to try and do it myself, or hide that part of me away.
and i can honestly say i've never been able to do it.
i just hide it, and go on as if it will all be ok, because that's what everyone promises me.
but it won't.
i want to love.
i want to be loved.
i want to have that connection with someone.
i know everyone says that isn't what life is about.
but then again isn't it?
what is the point of life if you have no one to share it with.
to build it with.
i want to settle down.
and if i had my way it would be with one particular person, but i know that it will never happen.
i want to tell him everything i want, everything i dream.
but it's all everything he will never be.
so do i go on, pretending that someday he will realize how good we could be.
or do i move on, and break my own heart.
he has so much control over me, yet he has no idea.
my heart is in his hands, but he doesn't see it.
he knows i care, but he doesn't know how much.
no matter what i do, my heart will break.
and i know it's going to hurt more dragging it out, but right now, i need him in my life.
he keeps me sane.
he reminds me that good things are out there, even if it's only for a moment.
i thank him for being my everything these past few months, for giving me hope.
he has changed my life and made a permanent impact on me, in the smallest ways.
with just a spot check, a debit card, a case of beer, a spicy concoction, a wake-up pounce, a text, a foot massage, a pair of pink pajama pants, a concert, a gf slip, a hockey game, a breaking benjamin song, a trip into a ditch, bite of my tongue, grab of the ass, a least expected hug, an accidental pda, letting me take care of him, the list could go on.
the day is coming when i'll have to let him go, but until then i'm going to hold on.
or maybe someone will be on my side someday, and he won't make me let go.
but unless he wants the things i want, friendship is where we'll stay.
with memories that will last a lifetime.
i will never have any bad feelings toward him, not matter how hard i try.
he will always be that perfect person in my mind.



i want to find my someone to grow old with.
i need a reason to pursue my dreams.

i need to realize i am an adult now and straighten myself out.



i think i do, but i don't know, and i know you don't, so i won't.


You take the breath right out of me
You left a hole where my heart should be
Ya gotta fight just to make it through
Cause I will be the death of you